MaxTalks

Last week, you, Mr. Portnoy, the owner of Barstool Sports and host of a popular pizza-reviewing series came to Boston. One of the shops you visited was Dragon Pizza in Somerville, and what came from that was a viral video in which you drop a mediocre score for their pizza before getting in a shouting match with the owner. It was hilarious, but Mr. Portnoy – Dragon Pizza is part of my old college territory, and I won’t let it slide.

Resolute on avenging my local pizzeria, I set out with my friend Tamar a few days ago to review the ‘za from the perspective of a real Bostonian (her) and a fake Bostonian (me).

Upon arrival we were greeted with this ominous paper plate. Written in blood or maybe red marker was a warning to all who ask about the devastating scene that took place. Once inside, I coyly avoided eye contact with the employee behind the counter and forfeited 3 spots in line to people who came in behind us. I knew I had to get my order right: one slice of cheese and one slice of broccoli pizza. Tamar got nothing because she’s vegan and honestly that’s on me, I should be more careful on who I invite to dairy-based establishments.

When I sat down to eat my pizza, I knew that vindication was soon at hand and you, Mr. Portnoy, would be the fool. I bit down into the pizza and just at that moment I realized: their pizza is not that good. It was burnt on the bottom! How hard is to specialize in a single food item and not mess that up? I guess your review was pretty spot on.

As I got up to leave, an employee reassured me that I could leave my cup on the counter. I lifted my head to thank him, but I realized it was no employee… it was the very owner of the restaurant who participated in the viral shouting match. Time froze. He looked into my eyes and asked, “How did you like the pizza?” I gulped. I responded the only way I knew how: “It was really good, thank you!”

It was not really good. I am a liar.